The End Is Very Fucking Nigh

so i'm leaving for seattle again tomorrow. i feel like an ass for not spending enough time with my mom. i feel a little like crying, but i'm also glad to be going back to seattle. because so much awaits me there. right. mostly just the bottle and the bong. maybe because being depressed is just my natural state but in seattle i can be high in one way or another most of the time so i don't notice. i'm starkly sober right now though and i feel that crushing sensation in my chest that's usually associated with some level of despair.

well i'll definitely miss my family, especially now that they don't impose a 10pm curfew or nag at me because i like sleeping in on weekends. i feel like taking so many things in my room back with me to seattle but not only do i not need these icons from my childhood for any practical purpose, i'm doing okay mentally without them too. should note that my mom bought me roses for my return. (kinda. she bought a bunch of flowers to photograph with her super pro expensive camera, but she put the roses in my room.) i'm going to miss edd and tony a great deal too. even if tony listens to terrible music. they're great kids and i feel a special affinity for edd, even if i'm not completely sure why. maybe because he has a stunningly toned body and always physically plays with me (yeah i love being tossed and carried around, wut), a great personality and operates with nearly complete honesty and is just an awesome person? yeah prolly.

i feel like jason and i are drifting apart already. it kinda hurts me so then i ignore it because it's not pleasant to think about and then i imagine we drift even further apart. problematic. maybe i should list the qualities i like about jason as they outweigh the bad so i can stop railing against him and setting myself up for disaster. let's see.

PHYSICAL: pretty pretty pretty, lovely kisses, good in bed, beautiful long hair, fun to cuddle with
PERSONALITY: likes good music, likes drinking ≥ me, likes having fun/being playful, optimistic, similar beliefs (feminist, atheist, disdain for the mainstream american culture), geniune aka not full of bullshit (as far as i can tell)
PSYCHOLOGICAL: has that rockstar quality/prestige/fame among the community that appeals to me on some level that i probably would not readily admit. social validation (among the people that matter), bitches.

there are more but now i feel like listing the qualities that i don't like about him too. fie.

i should pull my act together for finals week/next quarter. i can has domination? hopefully.

i would like to stop having nightmares about being sucked into demonic parallel universes and being cheated on. that would be fantastic, thanks. oh well. maybe i feel bad now but i will rise again? i need a new distraction/more music.

fuck. i'm fucking lonely. i wish a certain jch were here.

saw warbringer tonight. acted like a complete social retard when meeting jon laux by not saying anything, but it was hard to get a word in edgewise since cassra was talking nonstop. jon laux has a potbelly nowadays, it's cute. i should've asked for him to sign something but I AM SO FUCKING SHY AROUND PEOPLE I LIKE BUT DON'T KNOW AND I'VE HAD A CRUSH ON HIM FOREVER AND HE'S REALLY TALL. anyway warbringer is cool dudes and had a nice performance even though jon the singer messed up beneath the waves and i couldn't hear jon the guitarist's solos (which was the best part of seeing them last time) for shit since i was standing in front of his brother, the bassist. i think the reason i like them so much is because they do what they like and don't put up any bullshit facades. unless you count hightops... which is debatable anyway.

augury was unremarkable, mostly because i go to shows to have fun and not conduct an exercise in music theory. the amenta was silly industrial metal and looked like zombie coal miners but were funny and australian, decrepit birth was fun too although i don't think i'd like their music without some old dreadlocked singer dude (he wants you to think he's a metalhead but he's a hippy at heart! i know it) jumping down from the stage and moshing with the crowd. vader straight up ruled (i guess the sound guy woke up in time), less douchebags than usual for a metal show (maybe cause the lineup didn't include fucking children of bodom), hung out with cassra for a bit, had some beers, going to read over my bio lab, smoke a bowl, listen to some heathen, and go to fucking sleep.

oh yeah. goatwhore kicks ass. GO FIGURE THAT THEY'D TOUR WITH MUNICIPAL WASTE, WHO I'D GO SEE IF I COULD, BUT JUST NOT AT THE SEATTLE DATE.

yeah. sometimes going to shows and interacting with "metalheads" makes me hate metal. but then i go home and listen to an album i like and then everything is better again. it's really too bad that by virtue of being aggressive/relatively obscure this style of music attracts/is associated with dumbshit douchebags who think it's necessary to mosh to EVERYTHING and punch girls who are trying to get to the other side of the room CAUSE THEY'RE TOUGH or elitist bastards who think metal archives are the modern equivalent of holy scriptures/reject anything that isn't deemed TRUE by the collective consciousness/basically have no opinions that someone else didn't come up with. but every once in a while you meet someone you don't want to punch in the face, aka someone who isn't a complete tool. which is cool.

and i haven't even begun to rage on racism/sexism in metalhead culture yet. raddddddd
i guess it's pretty alright in seattle. we're progressive, right? well we have a fucking light rail so damn straight we're progressive and suck on that.

it's funny how people need something to believe in. i guess nihilism (isn't believing in nothing still believing in SOMETHING though, in a way) is too depressing or abstract for most people. or cause nihilism is for angsty teenagers. yeah i think i'll believe in heavy metal cause it rules.

so i'm angry and stuff. LIKE WOULD IT BE OKAY IF YOU PUT DOWN YOUR FUCKING XBOX CONTROLLER FOR TEN SECONDS TO TEXT YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND BACK AFTER TWO HOURS. CAN YOU DO THAT FOR HER IT WOULD MAKE HER FEEL GREAT TO HAVE HER EXISTENCE ACKNOWLEDGED OVER STREET FIGHTER OR MODERN WARFARE FOR JUST TEN SECONDS. MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE FIVE MINUTES AND CALL HER. THAT WOULD BE FUCKING GRAND. OR MAYBE YOU COULD PICK UP THE PHONE WHEN SHE CALLED YOU BUT OH WAIT IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT CAUSE YOU DIDN'T ANSWER. whatever. watch him have gotten into some car accident and then i'll feel like an ass tomorrow. allow me to attempt to dismiss this thought so it can stop bothering me. fucking fuck sometimes i hate relationships and the emotional attachment. I JUST WANT TO SAY GOOD NIGHT GODDAMMIT. i need to go to bed so i can take the last fucking midterm of this heinous quarter and then go see warbringer and vader and drink by myself in the bathroom while the other bands play since a) i am not 21 and b) i have not yet successfully obtained a passable fake id. i guess it should make sense that counterfeit documents are harder to get than illegal drugs or alcohol. it'd be nice to be able to go into a bar and 21+ shows and not get immediately flagged down and booted out. goshz0rs i hope vader covers raining blood tomorrow. that song makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. black metal would be awesome too. i might shit myself out of excitement. actually i'll already have shat myself from warbringer so there won't be anything left to excrete when i lose control of my anal sphincter.

listening to vader isn't helping this mood much. but xefer has some badass riffs. i wish i could describe precisely what makes one riff awesome and another less awesome but it's beyond my capability at this point. at least it's staving off depression. i really shouldn't drink before a midterm but jack daniels is calling out to me. fuckin a.

okay so i'll just have one shot. and then i'll smoke. and then i'll be inclined to study a little more before passing out. PLANS ARE GREAT!

physics midterm tomorrow, then another next week, then flying to virhinia for thanksgiving and assorted shits. i can't wait to see my kittyittikins and FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!

this weekend was alright. had the kind of emotional breakdown associated with hormones and 151 on friday evening, hung out with jason/went to see funeral age/irony on saturday.

OH YEAH IT'S HIP TO LIKE HYPOCRISY, why people can go die:
RE: hipocrisy!
"hellyeah! I'll be there too. I am totally diggin' your playlist girl. floyd 4rever! how is it going?"

tomorrow there is some metal club party but i think i'm going to snake mountain to hang out with jason instead because 1. metal club sucks 2. metal club sucks

i am becoming the pretty big misanthrope as of late. my friends here kinda suck. "friends". right. do i really expect too much to be constantly disappointed by them? like maybe saying hi to me when you pass me on the street after i spent an hour helping you with your physics homework last night? or maybe responding to my texts? is it not cool anymore to invite your "best" friends to social functions or for lunch sometimes? i guess best friends don't do that here. at least connie still does sometimes. anyway i'm starting to hate these fucking people that i used to associate with. am i embarrassing to be around? am i too intimidating? do i smell bad? my drinking, does it offend you, yeah? niibs please.

maybe it's because i've been spending too much time with jason? like that has anything to do with anything. whatever. we went to get some pizza at pagliacci's today and the dude gave us some free slices and drinks since he's in an air band (man... air bands. what is the fucking point.) and knows skelator/jason. am i supposed to think he's cool now because he wielded his free pizza giving power at us? we also saw some 35 year old billy idol look alike and talked alot of shit about people, cause that's how we do.

another thing i fucking hate: when people mass add me on last.fm / facebook. i'm not your fucking friend and i don't even know you. it's disgusting when people crave social approval so badly they need to pad their friend count.

so i guess my schedule for the next few weeks looks like this
nov 18: chem exam
nov 21: ensiferum + shaded enmity @ s7
nov 23: bio exam
nov 23: vader + warbringer @ elco
nov 24: municipal waste @ elco
nov 25: fly out to virginia
nov 29: get back to seattle
dec 04: physics exam
dec 05: party at snake mountain
dec 08: marduk @ s7
dec 16: bio final
dec 18: chem final, physics final
jan 16: skelator @ the satyricon?

school is soul crushing sometimes. alot of times. all the time.
oh yeah and the neurobiology department didn't want me so i guess i'm going to major in some stupid little form of bio and get the fuck out of here by 2011. so i can do shit with my life. right haha. hopefully i'll be dead by then.

sidenote positive plus, i lovers jason

TODAY WAS ALOT OF FUCKIN WORK! i'm glad i'm done with physics and bio regrades and all this SHIT.

i wish i had kept up with photography. it would be so wonderful to take pictures of jason and his striking striking features and how pretty he looks under my covers still asleep at 1 in the afternoon. DEAR MOMS CAN I HAS YOUR CAMERA SO I CAN TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS OF MY NAKED BOYFRIEND

it's a bit funny how we will be socially acceptable according to the half+7 rule after i turn 20 in april though i only really notice the age gap when 1) he is talking about some old cultural thing like tv that i wasn't old enough to exist for/comprehend 2) i say his age out loud because someone asks and all of a sudden it sounds a little weird because he is so playful and not how i think 26 year olds should act.

so i am late this month and i hope i am not pregnant and etc etc but i had the flu for a week so maybe that affects my uterus?

anyway so what the fuck have i been doing lately? slogging through school, trying to hang with friends but it's alot harder when you don't live in the dorms and they have their shit to deal with and i spend fridays/saturdays with homeboy and lalala. hanging out with homeboy twice/thrice a week, being too involved with illegal substances, trying to lose weight again but i have run out of caffeine pills and it is more difficult to DO STUFF without them.

i feel weird around my friends sometimes because most of them tend to be poor while i have never had any problem with money since my dad died. thank you social security and life insurance. i wish i could relate when they complain about bills and etc but on the other hand i am glad i can't. and i want to help them but this has all sorts of psychological repercussions so what am i supposed to do? just listen to their plights? pretend to be poor when i am not? i guess my solution or modus operandi at the moment is to help them when i can but i try not to be obvious about it.

i don't know why but i can't stop listening to TOO YOUNG TO FALL IN LOVE by motley crue. i don't know why i have this fascination with them either. just another butt rock band.. but they were THE butt rock band. think steel panther watched any motley crue videos?

so in conclusion i am so so so in love with my beautiful sweet darling jason and tired and i wish he were here so we could kiss cause his lips are goddamn electric and INTERTWINE OUR BODIES IN THE WAYS ONLY LOVERS CAN oh god that was a creepy statement huh? if it bothered you just forget you read it cause i already have

so life is fun and stuff
halloween was interesting in that jason got driggity drunk
we went to some parties and did college kid stuff like drink and sing with king diamond (i mean cassra) but we did it in costume! oh the glory of halloween
jason dressed up as black metal, i was in my stupid sexy pleather vampire (until all the blood flaked off) nurse costume
oh yeah and kaye asked me if jason and i were together now and i said yes, cause we are, and she said "well good for you guys. good for you." in a rather stilted tone
when we were showering jason wouldn't stop telling me that he loves me sooooo much. then he told me to punch him in the chest so i did and he said something to the effect of "yeah my girlfriend's not a wimpy puncher"
next morning he woke up and went "UGHHH.. what happened to my chest"
blackouts eh.. EH

academically i've been slacking hardcore. i just want to know if i got into neurobiology yet so i can either be happy or stop caring about school.

I am pretty happy! It's midterm week and my appetite has returned with a vengeance. Whenever I study or work on challenging homework I crave potato chips like a fiend. Need more ions! Anyway I am working my way through Star Trek. So much better than fucking Stargate 9 or whatever it was that Tasha tried to get me to watch. I accidentally broke a shot glass today.. glass everywhereeeeeee

WESLEY CRUSHER KILL YOURSELF

TAKE MY HAND AND WE'LL MAKE IT I SWEAR

so I've had THE FLU!!! what terrible business. I was completely incapacitated saturday and sunday. Otherwise things have been pretty good lately. adoro a mi Jasoncito.

So I haven't been doing much of anything for the last two weeks except hanging out with homeboy. I mean he met me at the airport and I think the most time we've spent apart since then has been 10 hours. Last night I made some tea with 4.5g which turned out to be a pretty light dose for the two of us. Rolled around on the ground, played mariokart (poorly) and ended up wandering around the U district and down to Dick's for a Dick's Deluxe. We passed by the Trader Joe's as they were having some staff meeting and cheered them on like maniacs. Gosh I love standing on the overpass of I-5 at night and watching all the car lights zoom by. STIMULI AND ALKALOIDS!

I feel a bit lonely without Jason but I guess that's because I've grown accustomed to his presence. FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL TOMORROW! I suppose I should be excited or something. Yeah excited about waking up at 7 to roll my ass into class at 8:30. I miss summer already. It's like the weather knows that school is about to start because it went from being sunny and beautiful to cold and rainy.

So Erik tried to give me a bottle of rum yesterday and by my Chinese training I refused it the first time, but then Homeboy says "just take eeeeet" and I do because I realize I'm being silly cause I'm in America and someone is giving me free alcohol. Thank god for Mexican boyfriends, yeah.

"There is a place that our society sends those whose obsessions strain beyond the bounds of a healthy mind, those with a willingness to use whatever means necessary to succeed. That would be the Hall of Fame."
-Steve Bulpett

Who knew articles about Michael Jordan could be so insightful? Not me, at least.

So my liver took a beating yesterday and I puked up a wundershowzen. I don't even know what that means but I think it's the German beer talking. Stop, beer! This is not your livejournal because it is mine. Five fucking shots of XO and then I did not have the mental capacity at that point to keep track of how many beers I decimated. Paulaner IST GUT BIER. Did I do that right? I hope so, cause it's true. I feel like if I'm talking about German beer in German I should be shouting. And then my uncle finally figured out how to open the Heineken mini keg. Those things are pretty fucking fun. Today is my uncle's birthday! I did not get him a present. But he has never gotten me a birthday present so I don't feel too bad about it. He is supposed to be teaching me how to be an uberBuddhist mind reader like him today, but he has said that for the past four nights when we were drinking. I think we are too hungover to be conducting uberBuddhist activities anyway.

Well nothing like being tipsy and having no one to talk to and listening to SHOW NO MERCY at seven in the morning. Black Magic is a great song. So is The Antichrist. and Evil Has No Boundaries. And Fight Til Death. And Die By The Sword. and Show No Mercy. I watched the sun rise and subsequently Hong Kong's skyline fade. It is so misty and mountainy and mysterious over there! But I think it is less smelly in Shenzhen. So that is great.

IT'S TRUE THE ZHOU CLAN LIKES TO DRINK

So I guess I'm kinda buzzed and listening to Destruction. My cousin skipped school and didn't come home tonight, so naturally my grandparents are flipping a shit. Her dad/my uncle, in his typical "I know everything because I'm an uber-Buddhist" manner, predicts that she'll be back on Saturday, at around 5PM. I can't wait to see if he's right or not. Anyway he's just really good at reading people and knowing how to manipulate them, but he puts up his uber Buddhist facade to mess with their heads a little. We had some really good German beer to get my grandmother to stop worrying and ended up letting the chicken roam around the house (the first thing it did was poop on the floor) and feeding it cantalope, rice, and beer. For some reason we start talking about how my uncle bought 200 crickets and let them out on the rooftop deck (complete with grass, grassy knolls, bamboo, shrubs, fishpond, fountain/feng shui piece, miniature stream, water lilies, and two miniature waterfalls) so he could listen to crickets chirp at night cause crickets don't naturally occur at 28 stories above the ground. Obviously the next course of action is to go out onto the roof and see who can catch the most crickets. I end up capturing a one legged cricket and my aunt ends up wading barefoot through the fishpond with a broomstick to try to coerce the fish to come out of their hidey hole in the fountain. Sometimes I love China because there are people who are even more of a lightweight than me. (Like my aunt and grandmother. I wouldn't even try to outdrink someone like Tasha's mom.. goddamn.) Arguably my tolerance is getting pretty respectable nowadays but I hate that my coordination is the first to go. It's really hard to argue that you're not drunk when you trip over things like carpet.

NO EMAIL FROM JASON! I AM DISTRAUGHT WAHHHHHHH
I feel distinctly chunky. I feel like a foie gras goose being prepared for slaughter at every meal. It's a bit sad when your seven year old cousin downs three bowls of rice and you can barely make your way through one though. WHY ARE MY THIGHS THE FIRST RESERVOIR FOR FAT? QQQQQQQ

I FINALLY GOT TO WORK OUT TODAY AND I FEEL FECKIN GRAT
goddamn i'm addicted
CHEMICALS ARE SO AWESOME
i missed the feeling of being tired
strangely i enjoy the feeling of being hungry more than of being full
anticipation beats contentedness. wow i hate how that word sounds. i think i will use contentitude instead

i miss jason alot, oddly enough
so much for saying i wouldn't get emotionally attached to this human
i guess i always need something to look forward to
could it have something to do with daily emails
and some weird psychological dependency
i wish i understood myself a little better

so i should apply for the neurobio major soon
50% acceptance rate, oi
yet they only take like 40 people a year
oh ho hum ho hum
I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY CAREER ASPIRATIONS CAN I JUST MAKE ONE UP
except to be a death metal vocalist maybe.. that's a secret though
CHINESE INTERNET BLOCKS THE WIKIPEDIA PAGE TO ANGELA GOSSOW? IS THAT REALLY NECESSARY?!?!

i feel so sorry for ninthgate
opening for a bunch of christian screamo bands at the showbox
but i also just want to point and laugh
maybe i'll somehow con connie into going with me so we can get spectacularly drunk and be our drunk belligerent selves and just heckle everyone present
or i could save that ten dollars for pizza/booze

yep i think i'll save it for booze
i'm such a good college student

i't kinda disconcerting when people around you do things just to try to make you happy
NOW THE PRESSURE'S ON! GOTTA BE HAPPY
possibly why i'm scared of christmas mornings
i still remember that moment when tasha told me that people at tj actually asked her if i was okay, sometimes
i dont know why i found that hilarious

i sure do love my eyebrows nowadays

fuckin munchies

so i got a tattoo yesterday

it looks like this

rage and sorrow
requires more foreign substances to remedy
beauty alone cannot sustain

joe is passed out naked on my floor hahahaa

in other news

i have so much beer

I AM HAVING SUCH A GOOD FUCKING TIME IN SEATTLE
meeting new people and getting to know people and the like
this is my tribe, i swear it

what the fucking fuck is my fucking roommate so fucking fucked off banging around running amok in pots and pans pissy about i'm trying to have a beautiful experience here

oh livejournal readers you've got me all figured out don't you you clever little things

todays aimless lounging and frequent naps have been a nice respite from the past week. my feet and legs are so tired from walking around fort lewis yesterday and standing amid masses of sweaty metalheads at king cat theater. i spent the fourth of july with tasha, katie, ashley, her boyfriend, and dear mrs. wallage due to my poor early-morning decision making skills. it was fun, but i would be lying if i said i didn't wish i had gone camping with joe instead. i had a fireworks show, appletinis, and a comfy leather couch with tash and the crew instead of bonfires, all the booze and drugs i could want to content my silly consciousness, and joe at night, which in a way is enough by itself.

the day before was mostly devoted to summer slaughter. i like death metal more than i thought, and though not really fitting in with the rest of the bill, ensiferum was nothing short of awesome. matching finnish kilts and chanting and fucking metal, what more could you ask for? necrophagist was definitely a letdown but that was due to the sound guy being a fucktard. let's turn up the lower frequencies and completely drown out the awesome solos!? YEAH. cassra, and thus, connie and i, hung around to converse with various band members. cassra and connie seemed to enjoy it alot but i couldn't really see the point. i got a suffocation pick and an autograph from Muhammed of necrophagist, but why do i want this shit? to have evidence of my brief association with someone more famous and respected than i? so i can brag to my friends that once i met so and so of ________? they were fun guys and it was enjoyable but i felt too obsequious to be comfortable.

connie and i also met ettiene or ethan or however you spell/pronounce the name of the funny little bassist from blackguard. we showed up a few hours after the festival started and he told us that we had missed the best band of the entire day as we were standing in line for the box office. a funny little altercation happened when i was trying to claim my will call ticket for erik, but for some reason my name wasn't on the list. apparently i can be menacing when i'm drunk because after a short conversation the chick behind the glass gave me another ticket anyway and told me it was on the house. anyway we saw the dude from blackguard again inside and connie and him quickly became good friends because he gave her a backstage pass for a while... but she gave it back. what!? hahaha...

the whole not being able to drink during shows is really annoying and i think i'm going to invest in a flask. or just a fake id. which means i should probably be talking to bj more often.

on wednesday caete called at the last minute to tell me about a ninthgate show and i ended up convincing tasha, katie, and alisha to come with me. at least it was free. i spent a few hours at tyler's parents house which was so very nice and homey. not to mention absolut vanilla vodka is really fucking delicious and tyler is lots of fun because he likes to do silly things like carry me up two flights of stairs, slung across his shoulder, when he's had a little to drink.

my diet has been terrible lately, consisting of things like cheeseburgers, fried eggs, ramen, whiskey, and pork sandwiches. yet all this fatty food makes me feel fuller so i'm no longer daydreaming about food in every spare moment of the day.

well back to the millstone tomorrow, turning and turning in some unimportant way. my hours are occupied by slaying rabbits in the name of science and studying the science of life in the meantime. what a wondrous existence? at least now i have a hobby that isn't drinking.